While I can’t quite do the graphic design work that went into Gay Times‘ man-pussy ad or its “women are all stupid, frightening bitches” ad or even any of its three “get laid more” ads, I can push out a list of talking points like a mofo. So, following are the talking points lesbians really need to start using to recruit more women to the Sapphic Lifestyle.
- Breasts are fun. They just are.
- You know how you used to fish for compliments about your shoes from your boyfriend? Yeah, don’t worry about it.
- You’ll never have to smell schweaty balls again.
- You know you always kiss a guy after he goes down on you, so you can’t claim squeamishness.
- When you cry, your girlfriend won’t try to fix the problem, she’ll just let you have your feelings.
- Double your wardrobe, double your fun.
- Body hair maintenance really is optional.
- Rachel Maddow. You know you want her.
- No woman will ever try to use her teeth on you during oral.
- And, if you’re really one of those girly-girls who is super into the Dream Princess Wedding, there’s only one thing to say: two wedding dresses.
WARNING: They hijack your email box and send a plea to your friends that sounds *plausible* (sort of). Don’t send your friend a dime until you actually speak to him or her!
Date: Tue, Nov 11, 2008 at 5:01 PM
Subject: I am sorry i didn’t inform you
To: recipients <undisclosed>
How are you doing today? I am sorry i didn’t inform you about my traveling to Africa for a program called “Empowering Youth to Fight Racism, HIV/AIDS, Poverty and Lack of Education, the program is taking place in three major countries in Africa which is Ghana , South Africa and Nigeria . It as been a very sad and bad moment for me, the present condition that i found myself is very hard for me to explain.
I am really stranded in Nigeria because I forgot my little bag in the Taxi where my money, passport, documents and other valuable things were kept on my way to the Hotel am staying, I am facing a hard time here because i have no money on me. I am now owning a hotel bill of $700 and they wanted me to pay the bill soon else they will have to seize my bag and hand me over to the Hotel Management, I need this help from you urgently to help me back home, I need you to help me with the hotel bill and i will also need $850 to feed and help myself back home so please can you help me with a sum of $1,550 to sort out my problems here? I need this help so much and on time because i am in a terrible and tight situation here, I don’t even have money to feed myself for a day which means i had been starving so please understand how urgent i need your help.i have decided not tell my family so that they will not be worried.when I return I will tell them and they will understand.
I am sending you this e-mail from the city Library and I only have 30 min, I will appreciate what so ever you can afford to send me for now and I promise to pay back your money as soon as i return home so please let me know on time so that i can forward you the details you need to transfer the money through Money Gram or Western Union.Hope to hear from you.
Your friend’s name here
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Amy King is the recipient of the 2015 Winner of the Women’s National Book Association (WNBA) Award. Her latest collection, The Missing Museum, is a winner of the 2015 Tarpaulin Sky Book Prize. She serves on the executive board of VIDA: Women in Literary Arts and is co-editing with Heidi Lynn Staples the anthology Big Energy Poets of the Anthropocene: When Ecopoets Think Climate Change. She also co-edited the anthology Bettering American Poetry 2015 and is a professor of creative writing at SUNY Nassau Community College.